Vacuum feeling

I keep feeling like I’m going to cry. You know that feeling in your chest, like there’s a vacuum and your chest will implode. It’s really like I’m just about to start crying, but then for some reason, I don’t. It’s like I’m all dried out. Like there are no more tears. I don’t think I’ve ever run out of tears before. I ran out of stomach fluid once when I puked like six times in four hours, but never tears, I’ve never run out of those. They’ve always been there for me before like a companion hidden away in my lower eyelids, ready to come out at any time, whether I liked it to or not. But not this time, not today. Just feeling that strange feeling in my chest, that vacuum feeling, my chest imploding any second. My heart can’t keep a steady beat, it’s like it’s almost stopping whenever I get that vacuum feeling and then when it goes away, my heart starts racing, as if to catch up.
I’ve been quite angry lately. It’s like every item around me is placed in order for me to use it as a weapon. Like that guitar, lying on the sofa, how many times haven’t I seen myself pick it up and smash it over someone’s head? And that book I’m holding in my hand, I was so fucking close at throwing it in someone’s face just an hour ago.
Come to think of it books can really be used as murder weapons. Just a couple of years ago a girl were smothered by her two uncles with a book. That’s fucking insane, I’d never do something like that with any of my domestic weapons. I just want to hurt people when I’m angry, I’d never kill them. But I’m good at controlling my emotions. When I feel like seriously injuring someone I just close and open my fists a couple of times, breathe in and out and count to ten. That usually takes away that impulsive urge to injure. Maybe they should teach that technique in school, maybe it could prevent one or two fistfights. They’d call it the Tiny dancer-technique and I’d receive the Nobel piece prize. Wouldn’t it be grand?